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Virtual Lighthouses and Ms. Pac Man

 It was probably just me (it wasn’t), but in the early days of the pandemic, it seemed like the world was going to end (it didn’t).  But at the time, no one could know the future.  When there was so much suffering and uncertainty being the focus of our daily lives, it was difficult to find hope.  But hope always exists.  And when hope exists, we can face forward and move ahead towards whatever destination we choose.  We know we rarely end up in the destination we expect, but if we do nothing we will remain in that place of suffering and uncertainty.

So, how do we find this hope?.  Simple, when you are calm, centered and at peace, the hope that was there all along can rise above the noise to be discovered by your conscious mind .  But sometimes all of the suffering and uncertainty can block out all other inputs.  It can feel like being lost in a dense, cold fog.  

One thing you need to remember is that fog is not infinite.  When you are surrounded by a fog, it can seem like it goes on forever in every direction.  But, we all know, deep down, that this isn’t the case.  Fog is just a ground level cloud.  And clouds have shape and form and this means that, eventually, anyone can find the edge of the cloud and exit to clarity, if you just keep moving.

But once you’ve made the choice to move forward, you still need to pick which way to go.  One way out is to blindly and randomly roam searching your way out of the  formlessness.  Since, as we said, we know that there is clarity somewhere outside of cloud, then there are an infinite number of directions you can go and make it out of the fog.  Some are longer routes than others.  You might be going in the right direction to exit the fog, or you might be going backwards deeper into the fog.  Or you might be going in circles.  

I think, you stand a better chance of finding the edge of the fog and returning to a place of clarity and warmth if you have some help from outside to provide some guidance, such as a light piercing through mist or a deep, resonant horn blasting it’s call persistently.  You need something other than the fog to focus on so that you give yourself something to connect with.  The goal is not the horn, but to realize that the horn is real and in a real place.  It is that real place that is the goal. The outside help is a means to reach your goal.

So, when the fog is overwhelming sometimes it is helpful to create our own virtual lighthouses to help us find the clarity to look beyond the fog that surrounds ourselves.  We need a distraction from the uncertainty to give ourselves a chance to find our direction.

While there are many ways to return from the wilderness, I did get two practical bits of advice that I got in those early days of the pandemic helped me out (1) on those days when it was tough to get going and (2) on those long nights when it was tough to get to sleep.  Both bits of advice involved finding some healthy distractions to break old habits. 

For those glum days, I was given the advice to JUST GET OUTSIDE.  Get outside.  Breathe Fresh Air.  Soak in some Sun.  For me, I found that simple change of scenery forced me to break from earlier thought cycles.  It did not, by itself, give me new ideas or thoughts of hope, but it did provide a separation from the physical environment indoors while cooped up.  

The visuals outside were different and dynamic.  Physical sensations were different, too.  Fresh air filled my lungs and signs of life were everywhere.  I found that this jostling of sensations was enough to give my mind a chance to refocus and find direction.  When I was given the advice, it didn’t seem like it would make much of a difference, but it did.  Perhaps it was in my mind.  I had gone in and out for errands and necessary travel, but when I did, I wasn’t consciously thinking of being outside as somewhere truly different.  But once I thought about it and started to pay attention to the vast difference being outside was compared to being confined indoors, just going outside was enough to break me out of one mindset and the space to find a new one. And with a clear and open mind, the conscious self can begin again to make good choices and remember old good habits and develop new good habits.

That helped during the day (especially on clear, sunny days), but what about at night, when lying awake in bed?  A trip out in the moonlight and the cold air isn’t a great way for most people to get physically and mentally prepared to slow down to refresh the body and the soul with a good, comfortable night of sleep.  There are lots of things we can do to assist our body’s natural circadian rhythms to guide us to our restorative nightly respite.  Turning down lights and lowering sound volume is obvious.  Under most circumstances, turning off screens is at the top of the list of things to do to help get to sleep.  Doom Scrolling on your smartphone from one terrible story, post, image or video after the next will just grow the anxiety that is keeping you awake.  The captive visual and audio stimulation tricks the mind into and distracts from the sensations of physical exhaustion that should be telling you to go to sleep. Some like to take a bath or shower which has it’s own physical and audible components.  Some like to read a book or create something artistic like a sketch or painting.

For me, the advice I got that was most effective was to PLAY VIDEO GAMES.  Now, this seems like it goes against the earlier advice about turning off screens at bedtime.  Well, in this case, the content makes a big difference.  And that difference is about passive versus active focus.  For me, certain repetitive, but still highly variable puzzle games were able to give active focus to my mind when my thoughts were still swirling and could not be quieted on their own.  Well known physical puzzles like crosswords and sudoku are a great way to give a low-stakes focus that helps drown out distributive thoughts that can wait until morning.  And most smartphones have a nearly endless variety of puzzles and games available for a quick download.  

Puzzles can come in all sorts.  There are games that focus the mind on visual patterns, often with bright colors and varied shapes  Others delve into strategy or verbal or mathematical tasks.  All of these take concentration, persistence and luck.  Solving for the space for the next TETRIS block or helping Ms. Pac Man’s endless quest is one way to break from one reality…for just long enough to find yourself. Many games have features you can pay for to speed up your progress or to give yourself more time to play in a session.  But that defeats the point here.  We’re not interested in playing games all night…just long enough to jostle us out of whatever ordeal we are imagining and get us the space to refocus on ourselves and our own well being.  This gives the mind and body time to heal on its own.

Whether you are expanding your horizons with a walk down the street or through the park, or if you are connecting colorful trinkets or idly collecting coins in new and puzzling ways or finding some other virtual lighthouse that works for you, taking a step out of yourself to clear and focus without the anxiety of the day weighing you down can give you a focus that can allow you to pass unencumbered by the fog and mist until you find yourself in clear skies with the world open for exploration.

Found on Reddit

Found on Reddit
Written in November 2015
Found in the journal of poster's mom after her death May 2017

"None of us are getting out of here alive.
Please stop treating yourself like an afterthought.
Eat the delicious food.
Walk in the sunshine.
Jump in the ocean.
Say the truth that you're carrying in your heart like a hidden treasure.
Be silly.
Be kind.
Be weird.
There's no time for anything else."

Attributed to Nanea Hoffman in poem "Note To Self" May 19, 2015 
http://sweatpantsandcoffee.com/author/nanea-hoffman/
http://sweatpantsandcoffee.com/happy-hamster-wheel/

How long

How long must we hesitate 

Until we learn that it's too late?

How long must we hold in tears

Until we've wasted all our years?

How long must our dreams decay

Until our lives have slipped away?

A life examined day by day.

Precious moments come what may.

Elliot and Julia

Your journey together begins.

Your love blossomed

into a wonderful adventure.

May the wind be ever

at your backs as you explore uncharted lands

hand in hand.

Ghost Rudeboys on the Stage

With all due respect to (and with the appropriate apologies) to Johnny Cash for shamelessly ripping off the music and basic sentiment of Ghost Riders in the Sky, (the actual lyrics of which are at the bottom of this post) I give you...

Ghost Rudeboys on the Stage

An old rudeboy had skanked until the club went dark that night.

Upon a stool he rested as the dance floor filled with light.

When all at once a mighty herd of rudies there he saw

A never ending dance, their pulses raging hot and raw.

Their feet were blazing fire; their Doc Martins' toes were steel.

Their glasses black and shiny and their hot breath he could feel.

A bolt of fear went through him. Thundering like a mighty gale.

For he saw the band a-playing hard

and he heard their mournful wail.

"Yippie ska ohh

Yippie ska ye!"

Ghost rudeboys on the stage.

Their faces gaunt; their eyes were blurred;

Their shirts all soaked with sweat.

They're playing hard to tame that herd

But they ain't caught em yet,

Cause they got to play forever 

lit by footlights on that stage

Their horns were snortin fire 

as their beats expressed their rage.

So, the band blared on before him 

And he heard one call his name.

"If you wanna save your soul
from hell a-ridin on our stage

Then rudeboy change your ways

Or you'll not make it out alive...

Tryin to catch the devil's herd 

forever in this dive."

"Yippie ska ohh!

Yippie ska ye!"

Ghost rudeboys on the stage.

Ghost rudeboys on the stage.

Ghost rudeboys on the stage.

*********************

(And here are the actual lyrics...)

An old cowboy went ridin out one dark and windy day

Upon a ridge he rested as he went along his way

When all at once a mighty herd of red-eyed cows he saw

Plowin' through the ragged skies and up a cloudy draw

Their brands were still on fire and their hooves were made of steel

Their horns were black and shiny and their hot breath he could feel

A bolt of fear went through him as they thundered through the sky

For he saw the riders comin hard and he heard their mournful cries 

"Yippie i ohhh ohh ohh

Yippie i aye ye ye"

Ghost riders in the sky

Their faces gaunt, their eyes were blurred

Their shirts all soaked with sweat

He's ridin hard to catch that herd

But he ain't caught 'em yet 

Cause they got to ride forever in that range up in the sky 

On horses snortin fire as they ride on hear their cries 

As the riders loped on by him he heard one call his name

'if you wanna save your soul from hell a-ridin on our range

Then cowboy change your ways today or with us you will ride

Tryin to catch the devil's herd across these endless skies 

Yippie i ohhh oh oh

Yippie i aye ye ye

Ghost riders in the sky

Ghost riders in the sky 

Ghost riders in the sky

Image credits:
Modification of http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/yLMRXI-0xa0/hqdefault.jpg
http://www.deviantart.com/art/Ska-is-Dead-358241635

2:05 (An essay)

2:05 PM is the time that my alarm goes off every day.  For anyone who worked around me during my time with Jacobs at the AOC, this is no surprise.  It became a source of silliness and whimsy that interjected itself...like it or not...into a sometimes tense and serious, but always exciting environment.

I am immeasurably lucky.  I  got to share an office with Michelle Chuisano for over three wonderful years for eight or nine hours a day, five days a week.  I would spend more waking time with her than anyone else in my life.  We shared our work, our families and our friends.  We shared our victories, our failures, our joys and our sorrows.

To Michelle, there was nothing more important than family and friends.  As we shared that messy office, like the good mother hen that she was to so many of us, she would watch over me and remind me what was important.  Family.  As I would get caught up in work, time and time again, she would remind me as she left for home with her carpool buddy, Eric, that I needed to finish what I was doing and go home to real life...to my wife and my children.  I would often tell her that the day just got away from me, but, yes, of course, she was right.

So, eventually, I set a daily alarm for 2:05.  It was a signal to myself that no matter what was happening at work, as hectic as things could get, that it was, once again, time to start preparing to leave.  Time to start preparing to shift to the things that are most timeless, most fulfilling, most important...my home and my family.

The fact that this daily reminder could be done with playfulness, frivolity and causing just a touch of annoyance made it all the more fun.  And that was one thing that was special about Michelle.  In the midst of the chaos of our lives, she had a joyful sparkle and a passion that enriched her world.

The hardest thing about leaving Jacobs and the AOC to start a new chapter in my life was that I would miss out on seeing my friend everyday.  As time and life moved on, we saw each other and talked together less and less.  But her friendship always remained dear to my heart.  Eventually, I even turned off my daily alarm.  Time moves forward.  Although I am truly enjoying this next chapter in my life, I think hearing that alarm every day just became a melancholy reminder of something that was behind me.

A few days after I got the word that we had lost our dear friend, I happened to notice that the alarm was still there on my phone.  The alarm was still in the memory of my phone.  I had not deleted it.  I had just switched it off.

It is far too easy to become complacent and let ourselves get mired in daily minutia and lose sight of the bigger picture.  It is as if we forget that while this moment is the chapter we find ourselves in, there is a true arc that will someday be the complete story of our life.  And because of this, I think that we all need something external to remind us, from time to time, the difference between what is fleeting and what is lasting.   These cliches sound trite and worn...but there is a reason for that.  They are true and they are important and they have worth repeating and repeating and repeating.  Because we are human and we forget.

Now, knowing that Michelle is gone and that a chapter in my life has truly closed, it does not seem real.  It does not even seem possible.  But it is the truth.  She is gone.  But the time we shared can never be taken away.  Just as for anyone who's life she touched, she will always be a part of who I am and how I see the world.  We are all different people, better people for having known her.  As for myself...for that, I will be forever grateful.

When, I saw that alarm in my phone, that reminder of so many wonderful memories in the past and the foundation of the real priorities in my life moving forward, I turned my daily alarm back on.  So now, I get to think fondly of my friend, Michelle Chuisano, every day...at 2:05.

********************************
"Sometimes it makes me sad, though... Andy being gone. I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend."
- Shawshank Redemption (1994)